can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
