Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
