Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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