Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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