It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
