I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
