If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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