He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
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Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
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$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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