I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
