she looked like the before picture.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Less talking, more tequila
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
