I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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