yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
