i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
