Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
