I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
