just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I don't think brook has ever known best
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
