I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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