Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
