So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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