I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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