he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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