I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
