Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My bed smells like the plague
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
