its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
