I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
