I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
