Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
