I wish I could teleport
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.