If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
