Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara