just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
