haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
