Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Enjoy the penises
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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