the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
