true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
