I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
there was a trapeze. enough said
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
