Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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