Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
