So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
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He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
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I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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