she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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