So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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