Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
