A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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