How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
