Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
