So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
