Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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