the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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