There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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