Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
