I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
