the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
