i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
