I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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