He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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