You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I pour the whiskey from now on
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
